Posted by: Amanda | November 20, 2008

Crash

Gas prices may be getting cheaper ($1.90 at Sams!), but I’m running on empty. 

My heart is so heavy lately and I know it’s only a matter of time until I crash.  I have mini crashes throughout the week but I’m talking about a big one.   So much in life is hard right now.

  • 1.  For the last couple of weeks we have had different talks with different people about youth group (Andy and I lead the teen group at our church).   Our church doesn’t have separate youth groups for jr & sr high kids so we lump them together (13-18yrs).  We don’t have the resources to do it differently so we just make the best of it.  Not ideal, but it can work IF you want it to.  Well, this fall several of our “older” (15+yrs) stopped going and started going to a different churches youth group down the street.  I know this not because any of them told me,  but because the youth pastor of the other church stopped by and talked to me about it.  I’m torn between feeling like I got kicked in the head with a golf shoe and feeling like “at least they go somewhere”.  It’s just that Andy and I spent so much time, resources and money (ours!, well God’s) investing in these kids for the three years.  And then poof, they move on because for this or that reason.   Reasons – that’s another sore spot.  Feedback has been that I’m too strict, too many rules, not enough freedom, too judgemental.  It’s me.  Is it me?  I don’t know.  I honestly don’t know what to do.  Focus on the kids we do have?  Cry?  Run away?  Hide?
  • 2.  My parents (Dad & Step-mom) are getting divorced.  I know that I’m 29 (oh my do I hate writing that number), and I should be able to handle this stuff better now that I’m older but I can’t.  It hurts just as much as the first time.  I’m devastated to say the least.   They’ve been together for 20 years.  My sisters and I lived at their house every weekend growing up.  We were a family of ten (2 biological, 4 step, 1 half brother + 2 parents).  Now we are broken, again.   I talk to my Dad several times a week.  He doesn’t know to do.  How does a relationship get that bad?  My Father is a Christian, he has been seeking the Lord and praying for changed hearts.  His biological children (me, hi) live no where near him.  He’s alone.  I’m sad for him.   To make matter’s worse my brother Danny still lives at home.  I’m most concerned about him.  What kind of model is this for a 16 year old boy?  Protect him Lord.
  • Work.   It’s the busy season at church!  The phone is ringing off the hook and we have several outreaches coming up that keep me running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.  I’m so tired.  Andy is WAY more stressed than I am though.  He just got promoted (yah Andy!), but the last few weeks colleagues have been in town so he’s been out every night working with them, wining and dinning, etc.  Sounds fun, but he is exhausted and I am sick of doing everything around the house.
  • Infertility.  I don’t really need to explain why this is hard.  It’s draining me physically and emotionally.  We had plans to go to my sisters for thanksgiving in NY, but it ended up being the wrong time of the month.  I have to have a procedure done the day after thanksgiving.  So we are staying home – having friends over.  It will be great, and I’m excited, but I will miss my family.

Although all this is swirly around me I do feel like God is with me.  I pray all day long and I know He is walking with me.  I just need to learn to surrender it.   I always want to hold on to it – but I just have to drop it.

All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live. 

I surrender all, I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now. 
 
All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to his name!

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Responses

  1. Oh, Amanda . . I’m praying for you girl! That is a LOT of heavy stuff to be dealing with at one time. May God give you the strength you need ofr each day. I was encouraged by a dear friend who recently told me to NOT look at the big picture, but just at the day you’re in. May God give you the ability to focus on Him amidst the turmoil. And be thankful for what He has blessed you with.

    One day at a time, sweet Jesus
    That’s all I’m asking from You.
    Lord give me the strength to do every day
    What I have to do.

    Yesterday’s gone, sweet Jesus
    And tomorrow may never be mine.
    Lord, give me the strength
    Help me to take
    One day at a time.

  2. how are things going? gas is $1.64 here btw!

  3. yeah, my husband will be with me, they won’t let you leave unless there’s someone there to take you home after you’ve been under anesthesia. why do they have to test your husbands blood? that’s weird! when will your iui be?

  4. How are you doing now, Amanda? You’ve been on my heart a lot. I’m thinking your blog being quiet for so long is probably not a good thing?


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